Codependency 

Have you ever allowed someone’s problems to affect you to the point they consumed you? Have you ever rescued someone from the consequences of their behaviour? I have. I think most people have at some point. It can start out innocently because we genuinely care and want to help but if we’re not careful, we cross a line and become too involved. When this happens, we’re no longer helping, we have tipped the scales to co-dependency.

If we spend an inappropriate amount of mental time and emotional energy focused on someone else’s issues, it leaves little reserve for ourselves; we can become depleted. If we become overly concerned with someone else’s problem, not only is it unhealthy for us, but also for the person we are trying to help.

But wait, aren’t we supposed to care for others? What about carrying each other’s burden? We often remember the Galatians 6 verse that tells us to help others but forget the statement a few verses later that says everyone is personally responsible for their own conduct.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. (verse 2) Everyone is responsible for their own load. (verse 5)

A burden is heavy and difficult; it weighs someone down to the point they can’t move forward without help. A load on the other hand is something more manageable that each person owns for themselves. We are called to help carry burdens, not loads. It is important to identify this Biblical boundary in our relationships. If we consistently carry someone’s load for them, we are essentially taking on their responsibility and a co-dependent role.

At first glance, codependency seems like a Christian value because it looks like we are being loyal, compassionate, and putting others first. Codependent characteristics appear loving and sacrificial, however underlying insecurities and the need for validation and/or control make this trait harmful. We may genuinely care and want to help someone but become so obsessed with their problems that we compromise our own well-being. When another person’s behaviour or situation negatively affect’s our behaviour, how we see ourselves or our value we are more easily manipulated. Codependency in a relationship can have two facets: our need for approval or peace allows us to be controlled or manipulated or in an effort to feel good or manage an outcome, we control others.

If we struggle with codependency, we may have learned to manage other people’s problems, so they wouldn’t feel bad or experience the consequences of their choices. We may have learned to over function in an attempt to control the outcome or feel needed, valued or loved. However, when we try to control or rescue someone from the consequences of their behaviour, we will only have
to do it again and then again.

“One of the hardest things about ending codependency is that it tugs at your heart. You develop codependent habits because you care, and you don’t want to hurt anyone. You want to see an addict get better or you want to see your child succeed. When we see our loved one’s suffering, it’s easy to want to come to their rescue. But the reality is, you can’t get sober for someone, and you cannot make your child learn lessons that are essential to growing up. Just because you don’t take responsibility for someone’s behavior, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It’s not your job to solve someone else’s part of a problem.”

Dr. Henry Cloud

By Glenda DeVries

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